


what could have been

by Anonymous



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Internalized Misogyny, Period Typical Attitudes, Post-Canon, Secret Relationship, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:28:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26335687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Riza realizes that her waking up nauseous and her illicit dalliance with Roy the month before might be connected...(I write better than I summarize)
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48
Collections: Anonymous





	what could have been

**Author's Note:**

> *projects my feelings about having kids onto hawkeye* anyway
> 
> mind the tags, i know this can be a sensitive topic

It was the third morning that Riza had called in sick with a stomach bug, and she was staring at her calendar, pen clutched tightly in her fist. She counted the days again, not wanting to believe it. The results were the same as the last four times she'd counted - there was no denying it. She was late by almost a full week.

Throat dry, Riza dropped the pen to the floor and rushed to the phone, dialing the familiar number for Roy's office.

 _"General Mustang,"_ came the familiar voice when it connected.

"I apologize for calling you twice in one day, General," she began. "But I need to speak with you in person. It's urgent."

There was a pause as Roy processed this. _"You're too unwell to leave your home; isn't that right, Captain?"_

"Yes, sir," she replied.

_"Very well. I will see you shortly."_

"Thank you, sir." She hung up, and felt anxiety sweep her body. How was she going to tell him? 

She puttered around her kitchen for a while, making tea, and when she sat down to wait for him, Black Hayate joined her on the couch. The dog nudged his way under her arm and touched his nose to her stomach, causing her to swallow thickly. Dogs always were so perceptive.

She forced herself to slow her breathing and steel herself for this conversation. She had been reckless, and now she had to accept the consequences.

Time passed faster than she could notice it, and soon Roy announced his arrival with a knock. She stood up to let him in, Hayate on her heels.

“I hope you have a good reason for making me leave work in the middle of the day,” he said by way of greeting. Even if his words were pointed, she could see the concern they hid.

“Would you like some tea?” she replied, stalling.

He shook his head and peeled off the jacket of his uniform, draping it over the back of a chair before turning to watch her as she settled once again on the couch. He was scrutinizing her, and for a moment, she forgot how to speak.

Then she cleared her throat, and tapped her finger twice against the rim of her teacup. Roy acknowledged by tapping his foot.

“I know it seems silly to call you all the way here for a bit of gossip,” she began, heart hammering nervously. “But Paula - Rebecca’s cousin - was telling me the other day that she was a fan of Edward’s and couldn’t wait to read his book when he came out with it.”

Roy nodded and hummed for her to go on.

“She said she couldn’t believe Fuhrer Grumman just let him walk away from the military. Natalie was with us, and she argued that he and Alphonse were just kids, they never should have been involved in the military in the first place.”

Roy nodded again, slower this time. She could see him putting the pieces together.

“I think Natalie was just being argumentative, though. She’s been like that ever since her boyfriend, Ted, broke up with her,” Riza finished. She tapped her finger again to signal the end of the message, and waited for a reaction.

After a few tense seconds, Roy’s face went pale. “You… you’re telling me you’re pregnant?”

She nodded mutely.

His hand went to his mouth and he turned his back to her, cursing emphatically under his breath. She gripped the teacup in her lap harder than she ought to.

When he turned back around, Riza could tell Roy was fighting to maintain his composure. “Are you sure?” he demanded.

“Reasonably so,” she replied. The morning sickness, the late period, and the length of time between now and the night they’d spent together all added up to one damning conclusion.

“And I’m...?”

Riza wanted to laugh. “There’s no one else it could be, I promise,” she said helplessly.

Roy blew a heavy sigh and dragged the kitchen chair closer to her before sitting in it and leaning forward. “How should we handle this?” he asked, his fingers linked loosely together in front of him.

Riza stared down at her tea. Conflict raged inside her. There was some basic human instinct in her that was pleased by the thought of having a child, having _his_ child, but those warm fuzzy feelings were quickly chased away by the following thoughts of carrying a pregnancy to term and giving birth, which terrified her. She’d never particularly wanted to be a mother, though from a young age she’d been resigned to it; something about the duty of a woman. Duty was never something she had shied away from, but this didn’t bring her the sense of purpose and fulfillment her other duties did.

“I won’t ask you to keep it,” Roy said gently, stirring her out of her thoughts. She glanced up at him, and the look he was giving her was concerned and understanding. “We don’t exactly make the best parents.”

Riza did laugh at that, and then she felt tears prickle her eyes, surprising her. Because he was right, they _would_ be terrible parents; filled with trauma and ambition, and - at least outwardly - more married to their jobs than to each other, they didn’t have the time or the energy. It was hard not to wonder that if things had been different, maybe they could have been parents. Maybe the warm affection she felt for the likes of Edward and Alphonse Elric when they displayed how much they’d grown could have been something of a focal point in her life, directed at a person that she had helped shape. Maybe if she and Roy hadn’t been soldiers, if they had gotten married, if they had lived together in a bigger apartment, things could have been different.

The shake in her shoulders had lost all its mirth, and she covered her eyes with one hand, wishing the tears would stop. She felt a dip in the couch at her side as Roy joined her, one arm going around her shoulders to draw her close. Riza leaned into it, still weeping silently.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he soothed. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“It’s _not_ okay,” she argued, voice cracking. She buried her face into his shoulder and let him take the tea from her hand to set it aside. “We were stupid, and irresponsible. We should have known better. We acted like _teenagers._ How did we have better self-control _as actual teenagers?”_

Roy chuckled at that and carded his fingers through her hair. “I don’t know. You’re right.”

After a few moments like that, breathing the smell of his skin and feeling his hand running idly through her hair, Riza sat up and wiped her eyes. “You really don’t want me to keep it?” she asked quietly.

Roy’s face went through a series of complicated expressions. Resignation, grief, frustration, and wistfulness appeared to be the primary ingredients of whatever emotional cocktail he was brewing. “I won’t ask you to,” he repeated, finally. “It would be unfair to you. The time you would have to take off, the money you would need… not to mention the rumors that would fly.”

Riza hadn’t even thought of that. Leave it to Roy to be concerned about what the general populace would think. He was right, though. A single, unmarried woman like her having a child and refusing to say who the father was would make her a social pariah. There might be some people who wouldn’t bat an eye, but most likely they would be the exception and not the rule. People would make assumptions, judgements. They would craft their own narrative and apply it to her without her permission.

“It’s your choice,” Roy reminded her. “I won’t tell you what to do, here. Just let me know what you need and I’ll get it, I’ll do it, whatever it is.”

Riza had half a mind to ask him to leave the military and marry her, even if she didn’t keep the baby. She blamed the impulse on hormones. It went against her principles; they still had work to do. She couldn’t live happily with herself if they abandoned what they were trying to accomplish, especially with the progress that they had made. So she sighed and shook her head.

“I can’t,” she sighed. “I can’t have this baby.”

Roy took her hand and squeezed it. “Okay,” he said, gentle and kind. “Okay. I’m going to give you another two weeks off - we’ll say you have the flu. Go see Madam Christmas; she’ll be able to help you. I’ll pay for it. If you need more time, or anything at all, you tell me, okay?”

“Okay,” she agreed, blindsided by these instructions. She felt affection for him rush through her - some part of her had feared he would be angry or upset, if not at her than at himself, but after the initial shock he seemed to be taking it rather well. She looked at him curiously, and asked, “How do you feel?”

“How do _I_ feel?” he repeated, bewildered. “How do my feelings factor into this situation?”

Riza shot him a disbelieving stare. “You’re kidding. It would’ve been your child too, Roy.”

He looked away and scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. The regretful look returned to pinch his eyebrows together. “Well… I guess I was thinking that if there’s anything Fullmetal taught me, it’s that I might not be cut out to be a father,” he admitted.

Her expression softened, and this time she squeezed _his_ hand. “In your defense, Edward is a tough kid to parent. He has… issues. And we’re no better. I think, if things had been different…” She trailed off with a sigh, more willing to let the sentence dangle than to speak her fantasy of domesticity into existence.

“I agree,” Roy intoned, understanding her anyway. “But we have to move forward according to what we have in front of us. Do you want me to stay?”

Riza shook her head. “You should get back to work before anyone becomes suspicious.”

He let out a reluctant sigh, but nodded. “What will you do?”

“Visit your mother, I suppose,” she replied with a teasing edge to her voice.

Roy rolled his eyes. “Will you call me tonight, let me know what’s happening?”

She bit down on the automatic ‘yes, sir’ and instead replied, “Sure.”

“Okay,” he said, but he didn’t move. 

Their eyes met, and then Roy lifted their joined hands to press a kiss to the back of her knuckles. Riza ached to kiss him properly, to wrap her arms around him and feverishly tease that sharp tongue of his into her mouth, but it was that sort of impropriety that had landed them in this mess in the first place. So instead she mirrored him, kissing his knuckles in reciprocation, before standing and leading him back to the door.

He grabbed his jacket as they passed, and he released her hand in order to slip it on. The spaces between her fingers tingled with the sudden emptiness, so Riza clasped her own hands together in front of her as she watched him put on his shoes.

“Have a good day, General,” she said courteously. “Please don’t use my absence as an excuse to slack off.”

The grin that he sent her was dazzling. “Wouldn’t dream of it. Give the Madam my regards, and rest well, alright?”

She nodded. 

“I’ll talk to you later,” he said in farewell, then shut the door behind him.

Hayate was sitting dutifully behind her when she turned, and she bent down to scratch under his chin before going to her room to get dressed. 

She had to see a woman about a baby.

**Author's Note:**

> i love royai but the thought of them actually having a kid together just feels... unrealistic, to me. so i typed this up one afternoon cuz i was thinking about that and the line about her calander just struck me so i had to write it down and... yeah. some notes: 
> 
> \- riza wouldnt be brought to tears over this ordinarily, but hormones are A Bitch  
> \- i could not think of a better ending im sorry sfhfdhji  
> \- obviously madam christmas has connections and roy trusts her to make sure riza is kept safe  
> \- after the procedure riza mopes around her apartment for a maximum of five days before shes like "can i come back to work now" and roys like "dont push yourself!!! pls just rest!!" and shes like "im already putting my uniform on"


End file.
